Dethntist
by The Great Allie
Summary: Nathan gets a checkup from a very weird dentist.


_I make up stories in my head sometimes when I'm working. This one I wrote down, but decided not to publish it because it was too much about Dr. K and not enough about Dethklok. Then I decided to publish it, because I wanted to. Anyway. Here you go. Language warning, OC warning. Whatever. I'm not here._

* * *

Nathan pounded on the door of his manager's office before letting himself in.

Ofdensen was at his desk, holding his phone against his ear with his shoulder so his hands were free to type. "Yes, I see that, but-- well, yes... and I assure you, that's how it's going to be." He nodded and gestured for Nathan to come all the way in. "All right. Yes, I'll tell them. I'll- yes, I'll bring it up at the next meeting. I can't promise they'll listen, but--" and here he forced a polite laugh, "yes, that's true. All right. I have a meeting now, so I'll-- all right. All right, goodbye. Tell Shelley I said hello. Goodbye." He hung up the phone and finished typing something, and looked up.

Nathan was still in the doorway, glaring at him.

"Good afternoon, Nathan," said Ofdensen. "Thank you for coming to meet with me."

"Yeah, you said something about not turning the power back on in my room until... something, I don't know."

"Yes, I had to make sure you were really going to come and meet with me. Would you like to sit down?"

"I'm not gonna stay, so..."

"Very well." Ofdensen pushed his computer aside and stood up. When he was sitting and Nathan was standing, it put him in a more submissive position, and in this situation he needed to be dominant. "Well, Nathan, I'd like to talk to you about your health."

"Oh, here we go..."

"Your dental health, to be specific."

"I told you, no dentists. Dentists are weird people, and I don't like them. Like, did you know--"

"I'm well aware of your feelings on the subject, Nathan, but your teeth are about to rot right out of your head. You drink and vomit too much, you never brush or floss, and frankly, your breath could kill chickens."

Nathan pulled out his tape recorder. "Idea for a song- breath that could kill. That actually kills. Oh- or, like, looks that kill. Like a basilisk. A basilisk with bad breath." He thought for a minute to see if anything else came to him.

"Are you done?" asked Ofdensen.

"Yeah," said Nathan. He pocketed the recorder. "I don't have a dentist anymore. The last one blew his head off on a hunting trip."

"I took the liberty of locating you another dentist--"

"Oh, no no no no." He waved his hands and shook his head.

"Hear me out, Nathan. He's supposed to be one of the best. Now, I'm bringing him here to Mordhaus tomorrow, and he's going to clean your teeth, and that's the end of it."

"Well, then, I won't be here."

"All right then." Ofdensen pushed his glasses up his nose. "You, ah, like your room the way it is now? No heat, no light, no DSL Internet. You don't mind that, do you, Nathan? I'm sure you have plenty of other ways to find that pornography you seem to enjoy so much. Maybe you could hang out in one of the public rooms. Where everybody can say hello to you, and make small talk while you're trying to, ah--"

Nathan cut him off. "All right, all right, all right! I'll get my fucking teeth cleaned, but this isn't over."

"I'm sure you'll find some way to get back at me," replied Ofdensen. "Unless you get distracted, eating Doritos or instigating fights between your bandmates."

"You make it sound like I-- wait, did we get more Doritos?"

"Yes. We, ah, did."

Nathan took a step backwards, eyed Ofdensen angrily, and then left to go find the Doritos.

* * *

Dr. Jonathan Kybard arrived at 12:47 the next day, flown all the way to Mordland blindfolded in the cargo hold of a passanger plane.

"Sorry about the accommodations," Ofdensen said when he met him. "It's for security reasons, you see."

"I understand," the dentist replied.

"Now, you've signed the standard waivers, and any injury you sustain while in the presence of Dethklok, they cannot be held accountable for."

Behind him, and tugging the doctor's large case, was a dark-eyed eleven year old girl, trotting along to keep up with the adults. All three of them ended up in the game room, which had been temporarily renovated to include a dentist's chair and table.

"If you set up here, I'll return with Nathan," said Ofdensen. He excused himself, but several gears stood by to keep an eye on him as Dr. Kybard carefully unpacked his sterilized equipment.

Several minutes later, Nathan entered the room saying, "All right, but this had better be the biggest fucking bag of Doritos I've ever seen in my--" he stopped when he saw the man and the chair. He turned and glared at his manager. "You set me up."

"Yes. I, ah, did."

Dr. Kybard patted the chair. "Come here, sit down."

"I'm not gonna."

"Nathan, remember," said Ofdensen. "You've already agreed to this. Now, this man has assured me he's going to do his best work, so there's nothing to worry about. He's promised me he won't... what was it you asked me to check?"

"Mess with my brain," Nathan grumbled.

"Yes. He's assured me he will not do anything to your brain."

"And that is a promise." Dr. Kybard took a few steps back. "See, right now I'm all the way over here. Why don't you sit down and get comfortable. Take as long as you need before we get started."

"Go ahead," the girl urged.

"Okay, I get the dentist, but who the fuck is she?" Nathan asked Ofdensen, pointing at the girl.

"I didn't ask," he replied.

Dr. Kybard answered, "That's just Ego, my protege. She's here to watch."

"I'm eleven years old," she announced.

Dr. Kybard mussed her hear. "Yes, yes you are. And Ego, this is Nathan Explosion."

"Bakuhatsusan," she said, bowing politely.

Nathan took two steps to the chair, and stopped. Then he took another, waited, and crossed the rest of the distance. With clear trepidation, he eased himself onto the seat. Then he leaned back, eased his legs up, and put his arms on the armrests.

"Okay, that was a good check-up," said Nathan, starting to get up. "I'll just see you in six months--"

Two thick straps shot out of the arms and fastened his wrists securely to the armrests. Nathan bulged out his muscles and growled, tugging as hard as he could, but they didn't budge.

"What the _fuck _are you doing?" he demanded.

"It's easier to work on your teeth if you don't get up and go away," said Dr. Kybard. "I don't want you clawing my eye out, either."

"All right, you listen to me. You get me off of this chair and I won't have to kill you. I still might, but, you know, I'd still have the option not to."

Dr. Kybard shook his head.

"If you don't let me go I am going to actually murder you."

"It would be an honor," replied Dr. Kybard dryly.

"Sorry, Nathan," said Ofdensen. "It has to be done."

"Has to be done!" echoed Ego.

"This is brutal," Nathan said to himself.

Just then, the door opened again.

Pickles came in first. "Knock, knock!" he called out. "Did we miss it?"

Behind him was Toki. "Oh, wowee, he sets up a special chair and everything."

"I have got to schee this," said Murderface, plopping himself down on the sofa.

Skwisgaar came in last, noodling out a new riff on his guitar. "We didn'ts wants to be missing this, Nathans."

"You guys are assholes," Nathan told them.

"Ja, we know." Skwisgaar punctuated his statement with a metallic sting.

"So what'd we miss?" asked Pickles, after they'd all sat down. "Dood, did he start screaming like a little girl yet?"

"Not yet," said Ofdensen.

"I am going to kill _all _of you," said Nathan. "I'm just, you know, letting you know that."

"Yeah, thankch," siad Murderface. "So get schtarted already!"

"Open up," said Dr. Kybard.

Nathan obeyed.

Dr. Kybard took his small mirror and scraper and approached Nathan's mouth. Nathan bit down as soon as his finger got near the teeth.

"Ah-ah-ah! That's a very bad Nathan."

"Very, very, very bad," said Ego.

"Do you want me to force your mouth to stay open?"

Nathan thought about that, and mumbled, "No."

"That's a good boy. Now, let me look."

"He's already scardes," Skwisgaar said. "Like the littles baby."

"Boys, _shh_." Ofdensen made the universal shush gesture.

Skwisgaar shrugged and continued playing.

Dr. Kybard made a preliminary glance into Nathan's mouth. "Eugh. Ego, cancel all of my appointments for the rest of the day."

"Yes, Master." She pulled out a day-planner and made a note.

Dr. Kybard used his mirror to examine the molars in the back of his mouth. "And tomorrow, please," he added

"Yes, Master."

Dr. Kybard made one thin scrape on one of Nathan's canines, removing two inches of plaque.

"How about you go ahead and cancel all of my appointments for the rest of time," said the doctor. "We may be here for a while yet." He paused. "I may not live through this check-up, and if I don't, I want you to take over the business for me."

"Of course."

"Please dispense with the dramatics," said Ofdensen. "I just want you to clean his teeth."

Dr. Kybard nodded. "Do you bruth, Nathan?"

"Uh, no," said Nathan. "Do you want me to go and do that right now?"

Dr. Kybard turned to Ego. "Do you here that, Ego? I think he doesn't like us."

"I don't think he does, Master."

"Doesn't want us to be around here."

"Nope."

"You know, a lot of people don't like dentists to be around, but they don't like tooth decay either."

"It's quite a thorny situation."

"What d'you think would happen if all the dentists in the world just left?"

"Goodbye."

"Just went off to some island somewhere. Or died of terminal dentist cancer."

"They'd miss us," said Ego. "They would want their teeth to be clean."

"They certainly would."

Nathan looked pleadingly at Ofdensen, who simply looked on.

"You know," said Dr. Kybard, going back to work, "throughout almost all of recorded history, it was a given that if you lived long enough your teeth would rot right out of your head."

"Brutal," said Nathan, although without being able to move most of his mouth it came out as a gargle.

Dr. Kybard finished all of his preliminary work. Ego fetched a cup of water and gave it to Nathan. "Rinse and spit," she instructed him.

Nathan rinsed and spat on to the floor.

"I can fix your teeth," said Dr. Kybard. "Now, my instructions mentioned that you didn't want any gas, is that correct?"

"Uh, yeah," said Nathan, remembering Murderface's warning.

"Don't worry," said Dr. Kybard. "I do good work. You won't feel a thing."

"Master does good work!"

"Can you, like, turn her off or something? I dunno, like, snap her neck? Or _something_?"

"'Fraid not," said Dr. Kybard.

"Who's the kid?" Pickles asked, glancing at the others beside him.

"She's too youngs," said Skwisgaar. "Come backs in, eh, fifty, sixty years, then maybe we talks."

The dentist drilled, poked, scraped, rinsed, filled, shaped, and flossed. True to his word, Nathan never felt a thing. It was honestly not nearly as torturous as he had expected, except for the fact that his mouth was stuck open and the man was mere inches from his brain.

"This isn't working." The dentist wiped some sweat off of his brow. "I'm needing something a little tougher." He reached to his side. Under the coat was a brown leather gun holster. Empty. "Oh, rats, I left my gun at home."

"What? What the fuck do you need a gun for?"

"For dentistry, silly!" said Ego.

"It's a standard tool," said Dr. Kybard. "It's as useful as the drill or that little mirror on the stick. It has a name but I forget what it's called." He looked up. "Does anybody have a gun I could borrow?"

Pickles, Toki, Skwisgaar, Murderface, and even Ofdensen produced a small array of assorted firearms. Dr. Kybard frowned. "I'm not sure... they're all a little too..."

"Master, did you check your coat pocket?" asked Ego.

Dr. Kybard checked his pocket and took out a very small gun. "Oh, thank you." He held it up. "Now, open very, very wide. Would you like earplugs?"

Nathan didn't answer, so Dr. Kybard position the gun pointing out of Nathan's mouth, frowned, and

**_BANG_**

"Good shot, Master!"

The gun took out four of Nathan's bottom teeth, but miraculously (or perhaps pure skill) Nathan felt nothing. The bullet ended up in the wall, half an inch over Murderface's head.

"Holy schit!"

Toki burst out laughing. "Oh, wowee, yous almost gots hamburger-timed rights in the heads!"

"Relax," said the dentist, pocketing the gun. "You were never in any danger. I'm very good at what I do."

"Master is very good."

"Ego, knock it off."

"Sorry."

Dr. Kybard filled the teeth and actually put them back in his mouth. "Bite," he instructed. Nathan did, and the teeth fastened themselves back to his gums somehow.

"You're all done," said Dr. Kybard, releasing the straps holding his wrists.

"Oh, no, he's free!"

The rest of Dethklok fell over each other trying to get out of the room as quickly as possible.

Skwisgaar tripped Toki. "You stays backs! We cant's affords to loose the good members!"

"Ow! Hey! That was mean!" He tripped over his feet- he was more than a little drunk- and scrambled out of the room after them.

Nathan made to chase after them, but the doctor grabbed him by the collar. "Not so fast. I want you to brush your teeth at least twice a day, but after every meal if you can manage it. And I want you to start flossing, too. You know, the simple act of flossing once a day can add up to three years onto your life."

"That's stupid," said Nathan. "People don't like, die of plaque buildup or whatever." He pulled out his tape recorder and said, "Idea for a song. Someone dies of plaque buildup."

Dr. Kybard handed him an envelope with a date on it. "This is for you. Please don't open it until the day in question."

Ofdensen began to walk him out. "Thank you for stopping by, Doctor. Those two gears will escort you back to the cargo hold. You can pick up your cheque after we drop you in the middle of the Sonoran Desert."

Dr. Kybard took Ego by the hand. "Come on, squirt. Let's go to the bar and drink beer until we can't tell time anymore."

"May I have a beer, Master?"

"Absolutely not. But I'll tell you what, I'll let you use my gun to shoot at my empty cans."

"Master is so generous."

When they were gone, Nathan turned to Ofdensen. "So, like, you're gonna have them killed, right?"

Ofdensen replied, "Why would I do that, Nathan?"

"Um, well, he fired a gun in my mouth. Like, right in my mouth. That's not-- I'm not okay with that."

"Well, Nathan, your smile has never looked better. I think you're going to be seeing a lot more of this particular dentist, starting six months from now."

Nathan glared at him. Ofdensen left the room, smirking a bit to himself.

Then Nathan tore open the envelope and found a thick piece of paper that was completely blank except for one sentence in the middle:

_See you tomorrow, Nate!_

He crumpled it up and threw it at the wall. "Brutal."

THEND


End file.
